I have decided that my "midwife" blog has turned into a "bitch about pregnancy" blog. I have been kind of feeling guilty about posting endlessly about my pregnancy instead of becoming a midwife, which was my original intention. I expressed this to my friend Laurel, and she gifted me my own blog about pregnancy. So, I will be posting onto my new blog until I do something pertaining to midwifery. Here is a link:
http://www.bitchaboutpregnancy.com/
Enjoy!
:)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Important Dates
As previously mentioned, my ultrasound is on the 20th, and my next appointment is on the 12th. I am getting increasingly excited, and also, I'm pretty sure I have started feeling symptoms of nesting. I have decided that my bed is not "bedtime story-able" or "monsters under the bed-able" so now I need a new bed... With a headboard. A we-are-parents bed. I have also decided that I don't have enough bookshelves, or just shelves in general. My house should be full of shelves, and I have two..MORE!!! I need some kind of closet/wardrobe/dresser thing. And I dining room table. We are going to have family dinners some day, we need a place to have them! Table! Now!
And it's not like I can't just go down to the HUGE Ikea sale happening right now, but we aren't exactly in a permanent residence. I don't just want more things to move, but I feel like we need these things, all of them. Especially the shelves.
And it's not like I can't just go down to the HUGE Ikea sale happening right now, but we aren't exactly in a permanent residence. I don't just want more things to move, but I feel like we need these things, all of them. Especially the shelves.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Worry Wart!
I have moved from anger, frustration, and sadness to worry. Some things are rational to worry about, others, are not. Here is a list.
*Loosing too much weight from barfing too much
*My relationship failing
*My relationship succeeding
*My child has no legs (haven't felt movement yet)
*My child is a paraplegic (see above)
*My child's heart stopped beating (see above)
*Worrying too much
*Post-pardum depression
*Being 1/2 way through my pregnancy
*Finding a new place
*Never finding a new place
*Worrying too much
*My best friend not being at the birth
*Going into labor RIGHTNOW (I had a dream about it last night)
*Something going wrong with the ultrasound
*My boobs not working (they haven't grown very much)
*Scratching my nipples off (they are itchy, why??)
*My boobs don't work and I am going to scratch them off
*Why are they itchy???
*Stretch marks
*My cat eating my baby (he eats everything)
*Never sleeping more than 3 hours at a time ever again (it's starting now
*Worrying too much
*Worrying too much
*Worrying too much
*Accidently finding out the sex at the ultrasound
*Not being able to name the baby what I want to name it.
*Boyfriends parents wanting to baptize my child
*Giving birth on the 5th of June
*Having a C-section
*Where is my food?!
*Why can't I eat after 8? I want to eat after 8! Is my baby going to starve?
*I want a tuna melt, but I can't have tuna. Is there a tuna-less tuna? I WANT IT!
*Melting cheese ontop of a tuna can and trying to eat it without getting at the tuna.
*eating tuna
*I really want a tuna melt
*Worrying too much.
My next appointment is on the 12th with the midwife, so I can ask her the majority of these questions, and she is really good at soothing my fears with one sentence "duh" answers.
For example:
Me: "Um. My family.. Well.. Every other generation has twins, and my mom was a twin, and didn't have twins, so I'm going to have twins, and I am a nanny for twins and I don't know if that kinda thing is contagious or not but I got pregnant when I was working for them, and it's my turn to have twins and and and and..."
Her: "Well, it either is, or it isn't."
Me: "Oh, right."
Her: "Well, your uterus is heavily tilted to the left, hahaha, tricky little thing! No wonder we couldn't find the heartbeat!"
Me: "Is that going to be a problem with labor? Omg is it going to get stuck? or be crooked? Am I going to have a baby bump coming out of my left side?? OMG MY BABY IS GOING TO BE L SHAPED!!!!"
Her: "It won't be an issue. Your uterus is going to get bigger, and it can really only go up and out, or in your case, up, out, and to the right. It'll right itself."
Me: "Oh, right."
So hopefully she will be able to ease my mind. My ultrasound is on the 20th and my mother is coming up for that!!! WOOO! I am actually really excited.
*Loosing too much weight from barfing too much
*My relationship failing
*My relationship succeeding
*My child has no legs (haven't felt movement yet)
*My child is a paraplegic (see above)
*My child's heart stopped beating (see above)
*Worrying too much
*Post-pardum depression
*Being 1/2 way through my pregnancy
*Finding a new place
*Never finding a new place
*Worrying too much
*My best friend not being at the birth
*Going into labor RIGHTNOW (I had a dream about it last night)
*Something going wrong with the ultrasound
*My boobs not working (they haven't grown very much)
*Scratching my nipples off (they are itchy, why??)
*My boobs don't work and I am going to scratch them off
*Why are they itchy???
*Stretch marks
*My cat eating my baby (he eats everything)
*Never sleeping more than 3 hours at a time ever again (it's starting now
*Worrying too much
*Worrying too much
*Worrying too much
*Accidently finding out the sex at the ultrasound
*Not being able to name the baby what I want to name it.
*Boyfriends parents wanting to baptize my child
*Giving birth on the 5th of June
*Having a C-section
*Where is my food?!
*Why can't I eat after 8? I want to eat after 8! Is my baby going to starve?
*I want a tuna melt, but I can't have tuna. Is there a tuna-less tuna? I WANT IT!
*Melting cheese ontop of a tuna can and trying to eat it without getting at the tuna.
*eating tuna
*I really want a tuna melt
*Worrying too much.
My next appointment is on the 12th with the midwife, so I can ask her the majority of these questions, and she is really good at soothing my fears with one sentence "duh" answers.
For example:
Me: "Um. My family.. Well.. Every other generation has twins, and my mom was a twin, and didn't have twins, so I'm going to have twins, and I am a nanny for twins and I don't know if that kinda thing is contagious or not but I got pregnant when I was working for them, and it's my turn to have twins and and and and..."
Her: "Well, it either is, or it isn't."
Me: "Oh, right."
Her: "Well, your uterus is heavily tilted to the left, hahaha, tricky little thing! No wonder we couldn't find the heartbeat!"
Me: "Is that going to be a problem with labor? Omg is it going to get stuck? or be crooked? Am I going to have a baby bump coming out of my left side?? OMG MY BABY IS GOING TO BE L SHAPED!!!!"
Her: "It won't be an issue. Your uterus is going to get bigger, and it can really only go up and out, or in your case, up, out, and to the right. It'll right itself."
Me: "Oh, right."
So hopefully she will be able to ease my mind. My ultrasound is on the 20th and my mother is coming up for that!!! WOOO! I am actually really excited.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Warning: Unhappy Post
The boyfriend finally told his parents that we are going to have a baby. This is something that we both feared as the are traditional as traditional can get. They laid down the rules! I have to be interrogated by them, they have to meet my parents and, oh yeah, WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED WITHIN THE NEXT COUPLE OF MONTHS.
No way in hell is that happening. I don't want to get married to please his parents. I want to get married because I love him and I think we are ready for it. We are not ready for this. Over Thanksgiving, dear boyfriend told me that he has one foot out the door. He is struggling with the fact that I am hormonal, we haven't been together that long, his parents, finding a place to live, our 14 year age difference, and the fact that I am not the mythical non-hormonal type of pregnant person.
We got into a huge fight about it because he thinks the reason I don't want to get married is because I am young and immature and I don't love him. Despite the fact that I have told him SINCE I MET HIM that I refuse to marry until same-sex marriage is legal. As a child of a broken home, I don't really believe in marriage, especially marriage to cure a relationship of it's issues, or to make sure that his family isn't shamed.
On top of all of this, last night I was hanging out with some of my friends (something that never happens) and one of my friend's boyfriend treated me like I was a god! He thinks pregnancy is the most beautiful thing on the planet and that boy could not keep his hands off my belly. I am not the person who gets upset about personal space, so I actually enjoyed is doting. But what made me really sad was that it made me realize that Boyfriend never does stuff like that. He actually avoids my tummy like it's the bubonic plague. He never tells me that I look beautiful, asks me how I am feeling, or makes me a cup of tea. And here was someone else's boyfriend treating me so fantastic, it broke my heart. It's like boyfriend pretends I'm not pregnant in hopes that it will go away. Sometimes I almost feel like he succeeds in his thinking, forgets I'm pregnant, and when I get overwhelmed over stupid shit, he thinks it's me being immature.
Sometimes I feel like a bully on the playground, and other times I am honestly surprised that I don't turn green and rip my shirt off. It makes me feel like an ass, but I can't control it. Then I think back to when my sister was pregnant and feel sane again. My sister was crazy. She stabbed her boyfriend in the hand with a key so hard the key broke off in his hand, then she got mad at him for breaking her key. She would constantly throw shit at his head, and get mad if he ducked and the object she threw made a dent in the wall. All over stupid shit too, like Taco Bell being closed, or him not wanting to get bubblegum ice cream at 2am, or that she couldn't see her feet. I need my boyfriend to hear these stories so he will realize that I am trying to be sane, I really am, but I am about to explode because I am holding it all in!
I have no idea what we are going to do about his parents. I sure as hell am not getting married to please his mom. That is not me, and deep down, he knows that. I am sorry if she feels shamed, sometimes I feel shamed walking around with a belly that screams "I HAD PREMARITAL SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION!!!"
I am so sick of fighting, and so sick of crying, and soooooo sick of puking it's not even funny. But, if you have lasted this long with my pathetic, sad rambling, I guess I should reward you with some pictures.
First: 8 week belly pic:
No way in hell is that happening. I don't want to get married to please his parents. I want to get married because I love him and I think we are ready for it. We are not ready for this. Over Thanksgiving, dear boyfriend told me that he has one foot out the door. He is struggling with the fact that I am hormonal, we haven't been together that long, his parents, finding a place to live, our 14 year age difference, and the fact that I am not the mythical non-hormonal type of pregnant person.
We got into a huge fight about it because he thinks the reason I don't want to get married is because I am young and immature and I don't love him. Despite the fact that I have told him SINCE I MET HIM that I refuse to marry until same-sex marriage is legal. As a child of a broken home, I don't really believe in marriage, especially marriage to cure a relationship of it's issues, or to make sure that his family isn't shamed.
On top of all of this, last night I was hanging out with some of my friends (something that never happens) and one of my friend's boyfriend treated me like I was a god! He thinks pregnancy is the most beautiful thing on the planet and that boy could not keep his hands off my belly. I am not the person who gets upset about personal space, so I actually enjoyed is doting. But what made me really sad was that it made me realize that Boyfriend never does stuff like that. He actually avoids my tummy like it's the bubonic plague. He never tells me that I look beautiful, asks me how I am feeling, or makes me a cup of tea. And here was someone else's boyfriend treating me so fantastic, it broke my heart. It's like boyfriend pretends I'm not pregnant in hopes that it will go away. Sometimes I almost feel like he succeeds in his thinking, forgets I'm pregnant, and when I get overwhelmed over stupid shit, he thinks it's me being immature.
Sometimes I feel like a bully on the playground, and other times I am honestly surprised that I don't turn green and rip my shirt off. It makes me feel like an ass, but I can't control it. Then I think back to when my sister was pregnant and feel sane again. My sister was crazy. She stabbed her boyfriend in the hand with a key so hard the key broke off in his hand, then she got mad at him for breaking her key. She would constantly throw shit at his head, and get mad if he ducked and the object she threw made a dent in the wall. All over stupid shit too, like Taco Bell being closed, or him not wanting to get bubblegum ice cream at 2am, or that she couldn't see her feet. I need my boyfriend to hear these stories so he will realize that I am trying to be sane, I really am, but I am about to explode because I am holding it all in!
I have no idea what we are going to do about his parents. I sure as hell am not getting married to please his mom. That is not me, and deep down, he knows that. I am sorry if she feels shamed, sometimes I feel shamed walking around with a belly that screams "I HAD PREMARITAL SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION!!!"
I am so sick of fighting, and so sick of crying, and soooooo sick of puking it's not even funny. But, if you have lasted this long with my pathetic, sad rambling, I guess I should reward you with some pictures.
First: 8 week belly pic:
Next: 12 Weeks:
And Finally, 14 weeks, taken yesterday:
I stopped taking pictures of my face because I am really upset all the time, and mostly because I am using my cell phone camera.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I'm Back!
Again, I ignore. I have been feeling overwhelmingly lazy and frumpy lately. I no longer fit into my jeans, and I have been rotating my 2 pairs of yoga pants for way too long now. I never realized how much my image mattered to me. Before, if someone had offered to allow me to wear yoga pants for an entire month I would have been ALL OVER that shit! But because I have no other choice, I get really bummed by it.
That was until my mom swooped in and forced me to go shopping with her for maternity clothes. I avoided the stretchy waistbands like the plague, not because I fear gaining weight, but because I think buying clothes that are only going to last a couple of months are useless. That all changed when I actually tried on a pair of jeans with an underbelly waistband. I forced the people in the store to let me wear them out! Things are definitely looking up! I have jeans that I can wear, I have cargo pants with a HUGE elastic waistband that should have shoulder straps on them, I have cute expandable cardigans! I love my mother! She did the same thing with my sister who, later in her pregnancy, informed everyone that she was just going to cut a hole in the top of her tent and wear that! (My grandma threatened the same thing with a tablecloth) Basically, clothes are important to the pregnant women in our family, if we are convinced we have nothing to wear, we will walk around naked!
Since getting new clothing, and spending some one-on-one time with my mom, I am feeling really awesome. What is even more awesome:
I GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT! MY CHILD HAS A HEARTBEAT! IT IS A CHILD WITH A BEATING HEART! THERE IS ONLY ONE! I AM NOT JUST FAT AND BITCHY!
whew. Sorry, had to get that out. But if you can't tell, I am pretty freaking excited!! Since they couldn't find a heartbeat the last time, I was convinced they never would. That my child was not alive, that there was no child, that I was just fat and a bitch, and that there were twins in there and the two heartbeats were cancelling each other out. Rational and sane right? hahahahahaha.
But basically, everything is fine besides me not being able to eat eggs or that nasty ass fish oil. I have been getting sick at night almost every night, but I hardly barf unless there are eggs or fish involved. Child is growing well, crooked uterus is growing crookedly well, and I gained 7 pounds!!!! Never in my life have I bought a size medium, and now I fit them! Never in my life have I ever weighed this much, and I am ecstatic! I am protruding more and more every day, especially at night, hence the stretchy waistband pants. And my general grumpiness has gone (mostly) away.
All in all, things are looking up and out in a ) sort of way. Hey, hardly any bitching in this post! That is a first!
That was until my mom swooped in and forced me to go shopping with her for maternity clothes. I avoided the stretchy waistbands like the plague, not because I fear gaining weight, but because I think buying clothes that are only going to last a couple of months are useless. That all changed when I actually tried on a pair of jeans with an underbelly waistband. I forced the people in the store to let me wear them out! Things are definitely looking up! I have jeans that I can wear, I have cargo pants with a HUGE elastic waistband that should have shoulder straps on them, I have cute expandable cardigans! I love my mother! She did the same thing with my sister who, later in her pregnancy, informed everyone that she was just going to cut a hole in the top of her tent and wear that! (My grandma threatened the same thing with a tablecloth) Basically, clothes are important to the pregnant women in our family, if we are convinced we have nothing to wear, we will walk around naked!
Since getting new clothing, and spending some one-on-one time with my mom, I am feeling really awesome. What is even more awesome:
I GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT! MY CHILD HAS A HEARTBEAT! IT IS A CHILD WITH A BEATING HEART! THERE IS ONLY ONE! I AM NOT JUST FAT AND BITCHY!
whew. Sorry, had to get that out. But if you can't tell, I am pretty freaking excited!! Since they couldn't find a heartbeat the last time, I was convinced they never would. That my child was not alive, that there was no child, that I was just fat and a bitch, and that there were twins in there and the two heartbeats were cancelling each other out. Rational and sane right? hahahahahaha.
But basically, everything is fine besides me not being able to eat eggs or that nasty ass fish oil. I have been getting sick at night almost every night, but I hardly barf unless there are eggs or fish involved. Child is growing well, crooked uterus is growing crookedly well, and I gained 7 pounds!!!! Never in my life have I bought a size medium, and now I fit them! Never in my life have I ever weighed this much, and I am ecstatic! I am protruding more and more every day, especially at night, hence the stretchy waistband pants. And my general grumpiness has gone (mostly) away.
All in all, things are looking up and out in a ) sort of way. Hey, hardly any bitching in this post! That is a first!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Family
If I haven't mentioned this before, I should. My family is really close knit, and sometimes it becomes overwhelming to me to be three hours away and missing everything. Especially with my niece about to be two. My parents went to Cabo for Thanksgiving, so we did our Thanksgiving early. It was really nice to have all of the family around, even if they were poking at my non-existent belly and commenting about how big I have gotten. But all in all it was really great, and the boyfriend came down with me. We had a very serious 3 hour talk on the way down of course, (it seems we do nothing else now a days) but all was well and he even said that he wants to visit my family at least once a month. :)
And it snowed! We were worried that there would be too much snow on the road for us to come down in the first place, but we made it down without problems. The boyfriend didn't stay the night because he had work the next morning, but I had scheduled for snow and didn't have to be back in Seattle until Tuesday. I stayed with my sister and played with my niece non-stop. It was really fun!
Now I am back in Seattle, and I actually ended up staying an extra day because I did not have work on Tuesday as planned. Now I don't work until Saturday and part of me is excited to sleep and have some time to relax, but the other side of me is thinking "OMGFINANCES!"
The thing about holidays are this: I'm a grinch. I'm sure that will change once I have my own family, but ever since I was little, the holidays have been a bit of a drag. Probably because I am a product of a broken home and negotiating which parent gets what time slot of which day is not the easiest thing on the planet. I have no memory of my parents being together as they divorced when I was around two years old, and they both quickly remarried. My parents not getting along made holidays even worse. And it doesn't help that I think holidays are extremely commercialized and awful.
This Thanksgiving though, I put on a smiley, sleepy, hungry face and did my best, and it wasn't that bad! (I think not stopping by my bio-dad's really helped) No guilt trips, no evil grandmother, no time crunches. Fantastic! Even hanging out with the future in laws wasn't that bad. But I did end up getting horridly nauseous at their house, ending in me lying down in the boyfriend's bed and leaving early. But it was really enjoyable, and it was the first time I was introduced as "girlfriend." Long story on that one.
And it snowed! We were worried that there would be too much snow on the road for us to come down in the first place, but we made it down without problems. The boyfriend didn't stay the night because he had work the next morning, but I had scheduled for snow and didn't have to be back in Seattle until Tuesday. I stayed with my sister and played with my niece non-stop. It was really fun!
Now I am back in Seattle, and I actually ended up staying an extra day because I did not have work on Tuesday as planned. Now I don't work until Saturday and part of me is excited to sleep and have some time to relax, but the other side of me is thinking "OMGFINANCES!"
The thing about holidays are this: I'm a grinch. I'm sure that will change once I have my own family, but ever since I was little, the holidays have been a bit of a drag. Probably because I am a product of a broken home and negotiating which parent gets what time slot of which day is not the easiest thing on the planet. I have no memory of my parents being together as they divorced when I was around two years old, and they both quickly remarried. My parents not getting along made holidays even worse. And it doesn't help that I think holidays are extremely commercialized and awful.
This Thanksgiving though, I put on a smiley, sleepy, hungry face and did my best, and it wasn't that bad! (I think not stopping by my bio-dad's really helped) No guilt trips, no evil grandmother, no time crunches. Fantastic! Even hanging out with the future in laws wasn't that bad. But I did end up getting horridly nauseous at their house, ending in me lying down in the boyfriend's bed and leaving early. But it was really enjoyable, and it was the first time I was introduced as "girlfriend." Long story on that one.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Frusterated (10wks4days)
I went to my first prenatal appointment today! I didn't get to hear the heartbeat because we think my estimation date is off because my last period was late. But, fun fact, my uterus is tilted (which I knew) hugely to the left (which I didn't know). Apparently it's not a big deal because it will correct itself when it's all huge and protruding. That's another reason we couldn't find a heartbeat, my uterus was hiding to the left, and she was looking where a normal baby would be in a normal uterus. But with the tilting, and the late period that means I have to get an ultrasound sometime within the next week and a half. I am still working on getting my insurance worked out. I did get told that I had a fabulous pelvis, which is't going to have any foreseeable trouble expanding for birth. YAY!
Frustrating though? I feel like I have to fight my boyfriend every step of the way to be involved. I had to force him to come to the appointment with me, force him to be serious when taking down him and his family's medical history, and force him to be in the freaking room with me during the exam! How annoying! I just don't get it. I know I cant expect him to be father of the year overnight. But a little support here and there would be really nice. I admit I got overwhelmed and weepy over it, but I was still angry and for a good reason. I talked to him after I screamed and left, and told him that I am still upset and for a good reason and that I want to talk about it.
UUUHHHHHGGGGG
Frustrating though? I feel like I have to fight my boyfriend every step of the way to be involved. I had to force him to come to the appointment with me, force him to be serious when taking down him and his family's medical history, and force him to be in the freaking room with me during the exam! How annoying! I just don't get it. I know I cant expect him to be father of the year overnight. But a little support here and there would be really nice. I admit I got overwhelmed and weepy over it, but I was still angry and for a good reason. I talked to him after I screamed and left, and told him that I am still upset and for a good reason and that I want to talk about it.
UUUHHHHHGGGGG
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